Driving the Lizard Taxi

November 8th, 2012

There was a lizard in my van! I got the kids in the van, nagged at them to buckle up even though they should know by now that's what should happen next. You get in, you sit down, you buckle up. Every single time! Anyway, nag, nag... they hear nothing and I shut the doors and got into the driver's seat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move in the middle of the van. No clue what it was! But it was alive and moving! I see it! A LIZARD!!!  I screamed as loud as my little lungs could and hopped out! Because I screamed, so did Libby, she then stood on her carseat (it helped that they didn't listen to my nagging pleas to buckle up). While Libby and I were screaming and flailing about, Gracie just laughed hysterically.

A lizard! In my van! It flitted so fast, but I saw where it went, under the passenger side front seat. Yup, there is was. Little guy, but he was lively and quick. And he wasn't welcome in the van.

I had ten minutes to drive Gracie to school, and it takes 12 minutes to get there. There are 5 stop signs and 6 traffic lights in between the driveway and the school. Sometimes I hit every light on red. Of course that will happen on a day that I am running short on time. All of that screaming in the driveway took up too much valuable time.

We opened all the doors and tried to convince the lizard to leave. Just go! It wouldn't. It cowered further under the seat. Since we were running out of time, we decided it had to come along for the ride. We used Gracie's jacket to stuff under the seat and create a barrier so that it wouldn't escape and crawl on Libby. She was pretty nervous about that, as was I.

Actually, I was afraid it would crawl across to my side and touch me. I had on my Mary Jane shoes without socks, exposing a little bit of the top of my foot.  I drove the whole way to school half freaked out and I kept an eye on the floor at all times!

I thought about Fenna and how freaked out she would be if I were driving her to school with a lizard under her seat. 

Got the kid dropped off at school, then I stopped and inspected under the seat for that little stinker. Not sure, but I think he's still there, or maybe that's a piece of the hardware under the seat. Of course he's still there, where else would he go? Under my chair? I had to get home!

Libby wants to stop and get a donut. No way! We are going home and getting rid of this lizard! As long as we're moving, he seems to be too scared to come out. I voted for keeping him frozen with fright.  We got home and opened every door to the van. I took everything out of it: jackets, toys, books, blankets, trash, picnic blankets, stroller, wagon, etc. There's always lots of "etc" in my van.

Then, I sent the dog in there. If that lizard was still in there, the dog should be able to chase it out! The dog found some old french fries and lost interest in being in the van. Guess the lizard made his escape when I was unloading. Good!

I looked under the seat and there he was! Ugh! Time to bring out the big gun. Bigger than the dog! I went and got the vacuum. That little guy will surely be frightened and make his escape! First, I vacuumed the driver's side, front and back, because he was on the passenger side and if he had any brains at all, he would run out the passenger side doors and be gone.

No. He's a stupid lizard.  Fine, I'll scare the tail off of him and scare him across the other way.  I vacuumed the passenger side of the van. Then I went around and vacuumed the trunk. Might as well. The lizard was either gone or hiding deeper under the seat. I couldn't see him. I think he's finally gone. Success! Oh, no, wait, there he is. I could just barely see him under the seat.

It was now almost time to go pick up Gracie from school. I've spent my entire day trying to evict a lizard!

Libby and I went inside to grab a quick lunch and regroup from our lizard chasing. Maybe he'll leave if we give him some quiet freedom. We needed a little break. Lizard hunting is hard work.

Time to drive the lizard back to school. I do not want to drive while staring at the floor and knowing that thing will touch my foot! What if it scampers over my feet! I will freak out and we'll all die! I need boots. Good thing Fenna left her boots here, I pulled them on and declared myself ready to drive the lizard taxi. Libby wore her boots too. We're taking all precautions.

Back out to the van. I opened the doors and he's still there! Right in the middle! And, he pulled a wheat thin cracker out from under the seat too. Guess he was planning on feasting and staying  a while. Crazy lizard! My screams scared him under the center console. Great, now he's even closer to the driver's seat. This is not ideal!

Why won't he leave?

You know what I need to do? I need to get a professional to get him out. I've been at it for hours and made no progress. I know exactly who I need to ask for help. This lizard will not reside in my van!

I went to the school, Lizard stayed under the console and I was only a little freaked out while driving. I parked, got Libby out and we walked into the school instead of going through the pick up line. When I saw Gracie's teacher she gave me the generic friendly, "Hi! How are you!" And I said to her, "Actually, I need some help." Libby nodded, adding genuine sincerity to the situation.

She was immediately concerned. As she should be, I was having a lizard crisis after all. "What's the matter?" I told her in complete seriousness, "Only an expert can help me. I need help from the Lizard Whisperer."

Her expression went from confused concern to resolve. "Do you have a lizard in your car?" "Yes" She said, "I'll go get him". Thank goodness! I would have fallen apart if he wasn't in school today! The teacher's son is passionate about lizards and he calls himself  "The Lizard Whisperer". This is common knowledge at school. I'm so happy I happened to know this!

Nine-year-old lizard loving Bradley was more than happy to help! He ran to my van, not caring if there were any cars ready to run him over in the parking lot, he was on a mission! I couldn't open the doors fast enough for the kid. He dove in head first and like the lizard genius that he is, he located it in an instant.

He grabbed a set of fast food chopsticks from the center console, good thing I had that random item available, and he used one to poke under the seat, where the lizard was hiding again, and shoo the lizard out. He didn't poke the lizard, just used the chopstick to shepherd the thing out. As soon as it fled from the chopstick, he grabbed it with his other hand.

Captured!

It took the Lizard Whisperer less than a minute to capture the beast and I worked on it all day long. Sure, my method was a lot less "hands on", but since he's an expert in lizard behavior I decided to give myself some grace and not let my pride be hurt by this little boy.

Bradley skipped off back to the school building with a huge smile on his face to show his mom his new prize. The lizard might end up a classroom pet, a resident of the teacher's car, or maybe he found a new home in the school landscaping. I do not know. But, he's out of my van and I can once again drive while watching the road. Whew!

Thank you, Lizard Whisperer! You have a true talent!